I have been struggling with what to say because it is so important to me. I want what I say to be impactful and powerful. I just don't know how to, I don't seem to have the right words in my eyes. So.... I think I will just be utterly honest and pray and trust that God in me is more powerful than anything I could do on my own could ever be, that these words are what God wants to say through me, and that they are not from my own understanding, but from God. That what I have to say it so God based, and my words are so Spirit filled that anyone who reads this cannot walk away unchanged. So, fun fact: I am going on a 5 month long-term Discipleship Training/Mission trip that I leave for at the end of January.
How'd that Happen?
As many of you know I am graduating Dec. 15th 2018 from NDSU with a Bachelors of Science in Agricultural Systems Management with a minor in Animal Science. I have completed my schooling in 3.5 years and I have been working pretty close to full time during my final semester as a Precision Farming Specialist for Titan Machinery (the company I have worked for since summer of 2017) I love what I do there, I love the people I work with, the work itself, and the customers I help, and I can genuinely say I enjoy going to work everyday. I had planned on staying with Titan Machinery after I finished school because of how much I love it but God had some other plans.... (Jeremiah 29:11 NLT ""For I know the plans for you" says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope""
A Little Bit of Background:
I have struggled with PTSD, Depression, and Anxiety throughout my childhood and young adult life due to some traumatic events I am not ready to share details about. This past April I was finally ready to deal with what happened to me so I went to a Christian counselor and found incredible peace, healing, and restoration. I have never been so changed in such little time. This time was some of the hardest of my entire life. Counselling isn't easy; working through deep pain isn't fun; it is hard work, it is the work where you find your grit, your strength, and most importantly, you find God because there is no way to possibly do it on your own. During this time I did EMDR therapy, spoke to my abuser about what happened, through God forgave him, and was able to see where God was during the hardest times of my life; right there beside me, with his heart breaking right along with mine. I wrapped up my time with my amazing councilor at the end of the summer a changed person. Coming out of therapy my PTSD almost never bothers me, my depression and anxiety are under control and haven't been a problem for me for months. Like I said I found my peace, my peace in God. (John 16:33 NLT "I have told you all of this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, for I have overcome the world.")
I love agriculture, it has been my escape for my entire life, it is also where I have found joy, passion, excitement, and community. And although I truly believe that God gave me that passion and is going to give me the chance to use it throughout my life, two weeks ago my career plans were changed by God.
OK, Back to the Story:
I don't know if many of you have heard God speak to you clearly, loudly, and directly but I will tell you, it is an experience.... Two weekends ago I got this overwhelming anxiety and uneasiness, it was different than any other anxiety I have ever had. I didn't understand what was happening, why I had this anxiety, and where it was coming from. It took about a day and a half but I eventually threw my hands up and yelled at God and said "What?!? Why is this anxiety on me? Where is it coming from? What do you want me to do?!" As clearly as if God had been standing in the room next to me I heard the words "you need To Go and To Serve" I felt a lot like I'm sure Samuel did in 1 Samuel 3:1-11. My life was rocked and I was in awe of the God I get to serve.
I won't lie, I heard that message from God and I cried, I cried for the life I was hoping to live, the life I had planned, the easy life I had wanted. You see I knew I couldn't ignore God (look how that turned out for Jonah - haha). Actually though, with the things I have gone through in my life I have learned that it is better to be in God's will than running away from it. When I have peace in my life because I am living in God's will it seems like I can survive the world and not blink an eye, but when I am running from God, and I loose that peace, everything seems to be 10X harder than it should be.
I am not willing to run from God and loose the peace I have, so I cried, and then I prayed, A LOT, but I didn't know where God was calling me, I just knew he was calling me to something. So I looked into every opportunity I could think of. The one that I felt a peace about was with YWAM (Youth With a Mission). They have this 5 month DTS (Discipleship Training School) where you spend the first three months deepening your relationship with God, getting to know God, and learning to walk in intimacy with him daily. Then the next two months are spent making God known to the world on a mission trip.
So I applied, scared out of my mind that I would get accepted, but also dreading getting rejected. The email I got back told me I was on a wait list. Unsure of what to do next, but confident I was being called to go, I asked if there were any other openings. We communicated for a bit and we both felt like I was really being called there, so they prayed and I was accepted into the program. I applied for my visa a day or two later, and told my boss that I was going to be leaving to go on mission after I graduate. That conversation was a difficult one, telling a place that you love, people that you love, that you will be leaving and it has nothing to do with them; that I genuinely love working there and yet... Well, its a hard conversation, one that they took with grace and a beautiful excitement for my future.
So for anyone who has made it this far into the post, I ask that you pray for safely (Psalm 91), I pray that you have seen God in my words, and hope that you will join with me to support this journey that God has called me on.
Please let me know if you have any questions, if I can pray for you in some way, or if you would just like to talk. I look forward to going through this journey with each of you and I hope are looking forward to it too :)
With Love,
Allie
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